This has been the most emotional blog I have written to date. Amazing that this one blog meant a lot to me. A lot of pain I didn’t get a chance to share in this but hopefully you get the gist of where I was going with it.
This vegan/healthy journey has been a lot about letting go. However, I learned that I had to let go a lot more things than just meat. Letting go of things you love for the greater good is a hard thing to do. I have had to that a lot in my life. Many people don’t understand the sacrifices I had to make for their lives to be better. I have held my tongue, my emotions, and yes even love. I’m what you call the typical, “friend zone” candidate. I have had to hold back how I feel for someone so that they can have a life that they want. Now they have kids and they would never trade the children for the world. It was all in God’s timing. It’s hard to let go but I know in time it’s better for everyone involved. Take my previous poor dietary lifestyle. Before I would have to have a lot of care and assistance to do normal day to day things. Now I’m more capable, not where I want to be but more capable.
I suppose the thing I have been praying for is not giving up but when to let go. I won’t lie I never agree with what I have to do but the outcome I would never trade for anything. I live in sacrifice and I will die in sacrifice. I always wanted others to be happier than me. I’m fine living in solitude if that means someone else gets to smile. I think I acquired the stamina to endure loneliness from being a sickly kid. Always being in the hospital, can’t participate in much of the games during recess, and even missing holidays because of how sick I get.
I remember as a teenager I finally got to visit my parents homeland, Guam and Tinian. My mother and I went to visit the islands during Christmas time. While on my mothers island, I got real sick. My lungs collapsed and since it’s a small island there wasn’t a hospital to go to. It was a clinic. The doctor had to be called from his home and open up the clinic. While I was on oxygen the doctor diagnosed me with my lungs collapsing. I was spitting out blood and of course, everyone was in panic. During the entire ordeal, Typhoon Jack was hitting the Micronesian Islands with a fury. Before it escalated to another level the doctor ordered I be transferred form Tinian to Saipan. Well not sure if anyone is aware but the Islands aren’t connected by train. I had to be transported by bi-plane during typhoon weather. The brave pilots were my saving grace. If they didn’t fly me to Saipan I wasn’t going to make it. I needed urgent care. Well long story short we made it. Visiting from island to island isn’t cheap and since my mom’s entire family was in Tinian only a few members could visit me. Christmas day my uncles surprised me with a visit. Full of joy I couldn’t help but think, look at what I caused everyone. I caused fear, panic, heartache and now they had to sacrifice to visit me. I felt bad. I know my family was struggling on the island. I mean it’s not cheap living on the Micronesian Islands. I felt this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I caused so many people to sacrifice to be with me that from that moment on, I began to distance myself from others when I was going through issues.
If anyone knows me, they know I tend to go radio silent from time to time. That’s when I’m going through some something whether it be sickness or drama. Then when the storm clears I reconnect with people. I hate putting my burden on others.
So letting go. Yes I learned to let go. I let go so that I can go on. Go on living and not burdening others with taking care of me because I failed to do everything in my power to prevent my sickness from worsening. I think this is the first time I had a few tears when blogging. Because letting go is hard. I hate burdening those I love with my issues. They have had to do so much for me growing up. Always accommodating me. Making sacrifices to help me throughout the day. It’s hard for me to ask for help because I received so much growing up. Even that pride has to go too. I just need the wisdom to know it’s okay to be helpless. I hope that comes in time.
Well enough of that. Have a great night. =)